'Create a Life You Love' Newsletter
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After years of hands-on research, including personally mentoring sixty coaches, I've compiled everything I know about starting a successful coaching practice in one easy-to-follow manual.
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"David, I am really enjoying this Manual! It is clear, practical, comprehensive and inspirational, and it will be a great reference for me as I begin my coaching practice."
“There is a rightness in everyone and everything, you just have to find or notice it.”
“But wait a minute!” I sometimes hear an indignant coaching client ask. “That works for most things, but some things are just right or wrong. Surely there are some things that cannot be found right.” And I reply: Let me clarify here – finding her right isn’t the same as going along with everything or tolerating something. I’ll use the most extreme example I have had to face: that of my wife (at that time) staying out late with a (platonic) male friend.
For almost a year I made her wrong: “You’re my wife. You should be home with me. It’s OK to hang out with a friend. But it’s wrong to see them every day if it’s another man. It’s wrong to stay out past midnight. It’s bad and wrong to tell me when you’ll be home and not stick to it. It’s wrong to not call when you’re late. It’s wrong to ………”
As you can see, the list comes quite easily to me! And to make it worse, I had the agreement from my friends that it was wrong. However, making her wrong did not change the situation, but actually kept it in place.
It wasn’t until I found her right that we were both able to move on. I finally realised that she was a human being trying to get her needs met. I found it right that she was trying to get attention wherever she could get it, as she wasn’t getting it from home. When I reached this place, I finally said to her: “I realise you need to do what you need to do. I’m starting to understand now. I’m not angry any more. And, at the same time, I need you to know that it’s not OK with me, and if this continues I’ll need to leave”.
I then noticed tears running down her face, as she finally felt understood and accepted. In the end she chose to keep seeing him, and we both got to move on with our lives, rather than continue for several more years in complaint. And on top of this, finding her right saved me from years of resentment and bitterness! How many people do you know who are making their ex-partners wrong, and are suffering every second they do so? I love Leanne dearly. She is my soul mate, and love is fully expressed and received in our relationship still. Further, my partner Bronwyn likes Leanne and even made tea for her parents! Yes – there is definitely something to be said for this “finding right” business.
So to summarise:
1) It is a wonderful gift to your partner to find her right
2) It is a wonderful gift to you to find her right, and
3) Finding her right is not the same as tolerating everything.
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Finding It/Him/Her Right- Parts IV
Now here’s a very important upgrade to the concept above. Once you have your head around the idea of finding her right for everything she is or does, you can go even further and enjoy everything she is and does. (Which just happens to fit in nicely with her desire to be appreciated and loved!). (And remember, if you’re reading this with someone other than your partner in mind – e.g. boss, client, friend, parent - this applies to them too).
I had a little trouble with this concept when Glen at the More Institute first introduced me to this. “What? You want me to not only try and find her right when she’s angry with me, but to enjoy her anger?” I asked. “Not try and find her right” he said. “Keep looking until you find her right.
And yes – why not enjoy her angry? Doesn’t she get a nice tinge of red to her cheeks when she’s angry? Is there something cute she does with her upper lip? Can you see something deeper causing the anger, like her love and concern for you, or the vulnerability of a little girl?” And as he spoke, a new world began to open up for me. It was (and often still is!) a jump for me to even stop complaining out loud. Then it’s another big jump for me to consider that I could find everything and everyone in my life right and perfect. And now on top of all this, I was hearing that I could enjoy absolutely everything in my life, including my partner being angry at me!
What a way to live….
Please modify the following exercise to suit your situation. e.g. to apply to your boss, your staff member, your mechanic, your friend, child or parent): Exercise: Write down three things he/she does that you don’t like, or is wrong, or has done over the past few months, and then write down how you can find him/her right. If this is a stretch, find three advantages of what they are doing or the situation.
Catch yourself making them wrong!
Exercise: Write down 50 things about him/her that you like, or appreciate. (yes – 50!) It might take an hour, or a week. If this seems impossible, then this exercise is for you!
Exercise: Communicate one thing to him/her every day for 30 days. (Set up a reminder system so this is automatic and effortless for you).
I’m having NLP sessions which I’m excited about. Becoming more present, sleeping soundly – makin’ the looove… I look forward to seeing where these sessions lead. I’m very keen to get the men’s relationship book finished, and excited about working with a couple of close friends on producing coaching materials/useful life information for the general public via the net. And skiing in New Zealand in 3 weeks. Woo hoo!
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